Last night I fell in love with an imaginary gay man. For the second time.
But that’s not the most important part of the story. What is, is that in 107-degree weather, I peeled my sweat-soaked thighs off of my couch and rallied to look more like a fancy lady woman rather than a breathing flesh sweat pocket.
Read More Faceplant
I just learned animals stress eat. I wonder, do they feel guilty the next day too?
Read More Eat Your Feelings
I woke up this morning hungover. Nope. Scratch that. I woke up this morning drunk. And then this happened…
Read More Never Buy A Couch While Drinking Tequila
My birthday in a cage under a waterfall…
Read More Fighting With Nature
I am wearing underwear that starts above my knee caps and stops just shy of my nipples. This underwear also doubles as military-grade armor, and I’m pretty sure it would sustain an atomic blast.
Read More The Shape Of Things To Come
Just when I thought the low point of my week was going to be grabbing my phone out of a public toilet, I log on to OKCupid to find out who my potential mate in both love and life may be, and it notifies me I am a 92% match with a marshmallow. I […]
Read More Cook Me With Sweet Potatoes
I may or may not have eaten a stick of butter yesterday.
Read More I Feel Good About Myself
I love the smell of inner tubes. I love that plasticky, chemically bonded rubber smell which indicates summer is near.
Read More This Smells Gross, Wanna Smell It?
There are two folk singers upstairs from me who are singing and using a tambourine and I want to punch them in the face. Does that make me a bad person? Probably. I kid. But I am finding that my ability to concentrate when there are extraneous noises going on around me, well it’s […]
Read More Friends Don’t Let Friends Play Tambourine
Imagine my excitement when I realized I’d single-handedly created a website. This may not be re-inventing the wheel, but for someone who can’t even figure out how to plug in a flash drive, designing a website was my technological Superbowl. I’ve managed to go my whole adult life and not know how to backup a […]
Read More All I Need Is Duct Tape