They’re All Gonna Laugh At You (Part I)

While my traumatic childhood events can’t possibly be any weirder than the next person’s, I feel compelled to share a few of them with you since you’re all just staring at me like that. Also, maybe eat your snacks before reading.

Learning To Curse When You’re 8.

Let’s discuss the phrase, “shit from shinola”. This is one of those phrases I grew up hearing amidst casual grown-up parent talk. “Forget working with Bob. He doesn’t know shit from shinola.” I’d overhear my dad saying on the phone, as 7-year-old me would be rolling around on the floor, mastering my breakdancing moves. I remember […]

Faceplant

Last night I fell in love with an imaginary gay man. For the second time.

But that’s not the most important part of the story. What is, is that in 107-degree weather, I peeled my sweat-soaked thighs off of my couch and rallied to look more like a fancy lady woman rather than a breathing flesh sweat pocket.

Eat Your Feelings

I just learned animals stress eat. I wonder, do they feel guilty the next day too?

Never Buy A Couch While Drinking Tequila

I woke up this morning hungover. Nope. Scratch that. I woke up this morning drunk. And then this happened…