Taking a long hard swig of my insult wine, I promptly left the store looking like the Joker had just done my lipstick.Window shopping drunk is, it turns out, a real thing. And I was definitely now a member of that sad little club.Read More Wait, What Did You Call Me?
Like a sleep-deprived game show contestant on a timer, I thought buying a box of grape Kool-Aid seemed like a good idea. So did buying a two-pound bag of Twizzlers. The earthquake probably wouldn’t kill me, but diabetes might.Read More In Case Of Emergency
For the past thirty minutes, I have been sitting at an overrated hipster cafe in the heart of the trendiest and shabbiest part of Los Angeles trying to log on to a painfully slow wireless connection. I’m parked alone at a table on a secluded back patio covered in big, leafy trees gently rustling in the spring air. I feel both casually frustrated and aggressively serene. In the past half hour, an arbitrary internet thingie has captured my Facebook profile, my Instagram handle, my favorite type of donut and my shoe size. Now, this six-dollar cup of watered down chai tea that tastes more like mouthwash is probably going to cost me my identity and my Costco membership.Read More Birds In My Box
Now that I’ve beaten down the traffic gods and made my way to yoga class, I hurriedly gather my belongings like a nameless forest creature scurrying to avoid getting eaten by a bear.Read More Sweat Hog Part II
As a child I used to like to brag about how many injuries I had acquired. Each open wound, scar, allergy, and bump signified notches on my ladder of life accomplishments. As my injury count rose, so did my tier of badassery.Read More Everything Hurts
Women who play with their hair drive me just a little bit crazy. I am aware this can be a nervous tic, but ladies, you’re lovely just the way you are. But after a recent experience of being down wind from a woman and her shedding ponytail, I felt I needed to get a little bit off my, not yet hairy, chest.Read More Hair For Your Enjoyment