I Feel Good About Myself

I may or may not have eaten a stick of butter yesterday.

This Smells Gross, Wanna Smell It?

I love the smell of inner tubes. I love that plasticky, chemically bonded rubber smell which indicates summer is near.

Friends Don’t Let Friends Play Tambourine

There are two folk singers upstairs from me who are singing and using a tambourine and I want to punch them in the face. Does that make me a bad person? Probably. I kid. But I am finding that my ability to concentrate when there are extraneous noises going on around me, well it’s […]

All I Need Is Duct Tape

Imagine my excitement when I realized I’d single-handedly created a website. This may not be re-inventing the wheel, but for someone who can’t even figure out how to plug in a flash drive, designing a website was my technological Superbowl. I’ve managed to go my whole adult life and not know how to backup a […]

Remember To Wear Comfortable Shoes

Two thousand seventeen is shaping up to be the summer of wearing lots of pink taffeta and elastic waistbands.

Do These Words Make My Butt Look Big?

I’ve really gotta work on taking a compliment better. Last night a friend came up to me and asked, “Have you been working out?” My immediate response was, “Oh these are just really tight jeans. I’m going to need a shoehorn to pry them off.” I grew up in a family where deflecting compliments was […]

Feet Don’t Fail Me Now

On the rare occasion when I am feeling especially skinny and toned, I don’t mind wearing dresses and high heels. But as much as I love the way the ratio of dress swagger to 90 degree foot angle looks, the stilted shoes always end up hurting my body. I look at women who wear heels […]

If You Need To Reach Me

Isn’t it funny when you find a business card laying on the ground in the middle of your bedroom floor and you wonder, where did I meet that person?

I often have a fear of throwing out business cards because I don’t want them to think I don’t care about them.

The Mullet That Paid For College

By the time I was eight years old, I had for years already mastered my impersonation of a horse.