In Case Of Emergency

Like a sleep-deprived game show contestant on a timer, I thought buying a box of grape Kool-Aid seemed like a good idea. So did buying a two-pound bag of Twizzlers. The earthquake probably wouldn’t kill me, but diabetes might.

Looks Great, Smells Terrible

Fresh flowers scream, “I’m classy!” My apartment needs all the help it can get to offset the Spiderman posters mounted to my wall with Silly Putty. Even though they smell like hot garbage, they’re pretty and goddammit, I need this.

Birds In My Box

For the past thirty minutes, I have been sitting at an overrated hipster cafe in the heart of the trendiest and shabbiest part of Los Angeles trying to log on to a painfully slow wireless connection. I’m parked alone at a table on a secluded back patio covered in big, leafy trees gently rustling in the spring air. I feel both casually frustrated and aggressively serene. In the past half hour, an arbitrary internet thingie has captured my Facebook profile, my Instagram handle, my favorite type of donut and my shoe size. Now, this six-dollar cup of watered down chai tea that tastes more like mouthwash is probably going to cost me my identity and my Costco membership.

Win By Knockout

Last week I got cold-cocked by my freezer door. In that moment of blinding pain and disorientation, clutching my head, I remembered thinking, how mad I was at both my inability to duck oncoming vegetables, and how grateful I was for the sold ground beneath me, which soon came to be my best friend for the better part of half an hour.

Sweat Hog Part II

Now that I’ve beaten down the traffic gods and made my way to yoga class, I hurriedly gather my belongings like a nameless forest creature scurrying to avoid getting eaten by a bear.

Sweat Hog (Part 1)

I just got out of my yoga class. Damn, that was a lot of sweaty boobies. Hold on to your sandwich, there’s more…

Gimme All Your Presents

I guess there just aren’t that many things I crave these days. Perhaps I need to watch more commercials to be reminded of all the stuff I didn’t realize I needed so desperately.

Under Pressure

Today I hiked a mountain in search of a waterfall, in search of clarity, in search of answers. Along my route, I passed rustic wood cabins, black walnut trees bowing graciously in the wind, and a swarm of gnats that I’m pretty sure mistook me for a moving poo emoji.

Everything Hurts

As a child I used to like to brag about how many injuries I had acquired. Each open wound, scar, allergy, and bump signified notches on my ladder of life accomplishments. As my injury count rose, so did my tier of badassery.

Hair For Your Enjoyment

Women who play with their hair drive me just a little bit crazy. I am aware this can be a nervous tic, but ladies, you’re lovely just the way you are. But after a recent experience of being down wind from a woman and her shedding ponytail, I felt I needed to get a little bit off my, not yet hairy, chest.