I mean, what could it hurt for me to have an innocent conversation about one of the most controversial religions in modern history? If I could endure a lecture on Pastafarianism and Worshippers of the Flying Spaghetti Monster for a free plate of Bolognese, I could weather a few minutes of hearing about Xenu, The Dictator of the Galactic Confederacy. This guy was (most likely) handsome, and clearly eager to make new converts. I mean, converts. Wait, what I meant to say was, converts. Dammit, autocorrect, I mean, converts.
Friends. He was eager to make friends.
Read More I Would Do Anything For Love But I Won’t Do That
You know how people say when someone starts day-drinking, it’s a red flag for depression. My version of that has been, day watching. Lately, you can find me mid-day, binge-watching old episodes of Star Trek while eating burnt home-made cookies.
Read More Aim For The Middle
Today I am grateful for my thumbs. When language escapes me, my thumbs are there to pick up the slack. I am grateful for disposable contacts that allow me to see every day. Without them, I’d be left wandering around with my thumbs in the air.
Read More more than a turkey
Hey! This was a fun Sunday. My house got flooded, my car air conditioning went out in 112 degrees and I got broken up with, via email. There is a giant gaping hole in the middle of my living room floor and I’m beginning to think that the depths of Hell are calling me. I keep sending them to voicemail but the calls are becoming more and more frequent.
Read More Sundays Are For Suckers
I had the optimism you only get when you’ve decided to give up everything to follow a dream and a suntan. I packed only the essentials: a suitcase of shoes, an electric piano and 3 days worth of trail mix. California here I come.
Read More The $800 Donut
When my family moved from a quaint mountain town to the big, mean city of Los Angeles, my days of eating wax off the mouths of strangers promptly ended.
Read More How To Win Friends & Influence People -Part II
There are two folk singers upstairs from me who are singing and using a tambourine and I want to punch them in the face. Does that make me a bad person? Probably. I kid. But I am finding that my ability to concentrate when there are extraneous noises going on around me, well it’s […]
Read More Friends Don’t Let Friends Play Tambourine
Two thousand seventeen is shaping up to be the summer of wearing lots of pink taffeta and elastic waistbands.
Read More Remember To Wear Comfortable Shoes
I’ve really gotta work on taking a compliment better. Last night a friend came up to me and asked, “Have you been working out?” My immediate response was, “Oh these are just really tight jeans. I’m going to need a shoehorn to pry them off.” I grew up in a family where deflecting compliments was […]
Read More Do These Words Make My Butt Look Big?