Camp Fun’N Stuff

The next morning our parents handed us each a backpack filled with a brown bag lunch, a thermos, sunblock with an SPF of 75, and although we weren’t sure what it was for- a sponge. We got picked up in an old Dodge minivan by a guy named Todd. He wore a tee-shirt that said, “If We All Had A Bong, We’d All Get Along”. Somehow this didn’t seem to concern my parents and off we went that Tuesday morning to either our summer camp adventure or our imminent abduction.

I Would Do Anything For Love But I Won’t Do That

I mean, what could it hurt for me to have an innocent conversation about one of the most controversial religions in modern history? If I could endure a lecture on Pastafarianism and Worshippers of the Flying Spaghetti Monster for a free plate of Bolognese, I could weather a few minutes of hearing about Xenu, The Dictator of the Galactic Confederacy. This guy was (most likely) handsome, and clearly eager to make new converts. I mean, converts. Wait, what I meant to say was, converts. Dammit, autocorrect, I mean, converts.

Friends. He was eager to make friends.

Aim For The Middle

You know how people say when someone starts day-drinking, it’s a red flag for depression. My version of that has been, day watching. Lately, you can find me mid-day, binge-watching old episodes of Star Trek while eating burnt home-made cookies.

more than a turkey

Today I am grateful for my thumbs. When language escapes me, my thumbs are there to pick up the slack. I am grateful for disposable contacts that allow me to see every day. Without them, I’d be left wandering around with my thumbs in the air.

Sundays Are For Suckers

Hey! This was a fun Sunday. My house got flooded, my car air conditioning went out in 112 degrees and I got broken up with, via email. There is a giant gaping hole in the middle of my living room floor and I’m beginning to think that the depths of Hell are calling me. I keep sending them to voicemail but the calls are becoming more and more frequent.

The $800 Donut

I had the optimism you only get when you’ve decided to give up everything to follow a dream and a suntan. I packed only the essentials: a suitcase of shoes, an electric piano and 3 days worth of trail mix. California here I come.

How To Win Friends & Influence People -Part II

When my family moved from a quaint mountain town to the big, mean city of Los Angeles, my days of eating wax off the mouths of strangers promptly ended.

Friends Don’t Let Friends Play Tambourine

There are two folk singers upstairs from me who are singing and using a tambourine and I want to punch them in the face. Does that make me a bad person? Probably. I kid. But I am finding that my ability to concentrate when there are extraneous noises going on around me, well it’s […]

Remember To Wear Comfortable Shoes

Two thousand seventeen is shaping up to be the summer of wearing lots of pink taffeta and elastic waistbands.

Do These Words Make My Butt Look Big?

I’ve really gotta work on taking a compliment better. Last night a friend came up to me and asked, “Have you been working out?” My immediate response was, “Oh these are just really tight jeans. I’m going to need a shoehorn to pry them off.” I grew up in a family where deflecting compliments was […]