A Lonely Person’s Guide To The Holidays

I keep thinking about all those who don’t have families or friends or plants to hang out with this time of year. What does their holiday photo experience look like? There’s that guy sitting alone on one side of a teeter-totter, despondent, possibly crying.

Eat Your Feelings

I just learned animals stress eat. I wonder, do they feel guilty the next day too?

Never Buy A Couch While Drinking Tequila

I woke up this morning hungover. Nope. Scratch that. I woke up this morning drunk. And then this happened…

Cook Me With Sweet Potatoes

Just when I thought the low point of my week was going to be grabbing my phone out of a public toilet, I log on to OKCupid to find out who my potential mate in both love and life may be, only to be notified I am a 92% match with a marshmallow. I […]

I Feel Good About Myself

I may or may not have eaten a stick of butter yesterday.

This Smells Gross, Wanna Smell It?

I love the smell of inner tubes. I love that plasticky, chemically bonded rubber smell which indicates summer is near.

Friends Don’t Let Friends Play Tambourine

There are two folk singers upstairs from me who are singing and using a tambourine and I want to punch them in the face. Does that make me a bad person? Probably. I kid. But I am finding that my ability to concentrate when there are extraneous noises going on around me, well it’s […]

Remember To Wear Comfortable Shoes

Two thousand seventeen is shaping up to be the summer of wearing lots of pink taffeta and elastic waistbands.

Do These Words Make My Butt Look Big?

I’ve really gotta work on taking a compliment better. Last night a friend came up to me and asked, “Have you been working out?” My immediate response was, “Oh these are just really tight jeans. I’m going to need a shoehorn to pry them off.” I grew up in a family where deflecting compliments was […]

Feet Don’t Fail Me Now

On the rare occasion when I am feeling especially skinny and toned, I don’t mind wearing dresses and high heels. But as much as I love the way the ratio of dress swagger to 90 degree foot angle looks, the stilted shoes always end up hurting my body. I look at women who wear heels […]