Eat Your Feelings

I just learned animals stress eat. I wonder, do they feel guilty the next day too?

Never Buy A Couch While Drinking Tequila

I woke up this morning hungover. Nope. Scratch that. I woke up this morning drunk. And then this happened…

Fighting With Nature

My birthday in a cage under a waterfall…

The Shape Of Things To Come

I am wearing underwear that starts above my knee caps and stops just shy of my nipples. This underwear also doubles as military-grade armor, and I’m pretty sure it would sustain an atomic blast.

Cook Me With Sweet Potatoes

Just when I thought the low point of my week was going to be grabbing my phone out of a public toilet, I log on to OKCupid to find out who my potential mate in both love and life may be, only to be notified I am a 92% match with a marshmallow. I […]

I Feel Good About Myself

I may or may not have eaten a stick of butter yesterday.

This Smells Gross, Wanna Smell It?

I love the smell of inner tubes. I love that plasticky, chemically bonded rubber smell which indicates summer is near.

Friends Don’t Let Friends Play Tambourine

There are two folk singers upstairs from me who are singing and using a tambourine and I want to punch them in the face. Does that make me a bad person? Probably. I kid. But I am finding that my ability to concentrate when there are extraneous noises going on around me, well it’s […]

All I Need Is Duct Tape

Imagine my excitement when I realized I’d single-handedly created a website. This may not be re-inventing the wheel, but for someone who can’t even figure out how to plug in a flash drive, designing a website was my technological Superbowl. I’ve managed to go my whole adult life and not know how to backup a […]

Remember To Wear Comfortable Shoes

Two thousand seventeen is shaping up to be the summer of wearing lots of pink taffeta and elastic waistbands.