They’re All Gonna Laugh At You (Part II)

Not all traumatic events lead to financial gain. Some just make for another typical Tuesday.

A Lonely Person’s Guide To The Holidays

I keep thinking about all those who don’t have families or friends or plants to hang out with this time of year. What does their holiday photo experience look like? There’s that guy sitting alone on one side of a teeter-totter, despondent, possibly crying.

They’re All Gonna Laugh At You (Part I)

While my traumatic childhood events can’t possibly be any weirder than the next person’s, I feel compelled to share a few of them with you since you’re all just staring at me like that. Also, maybe eat your snacks before reading.

Learning To Curse When You’re 8.

Let’s discuss the phrase, “shit from shinola”. This is one of those phrases I grew up hearing amidst casual grown-up parent talk. “Forget working with Bob. He doesn’t know shit from shinola.” I’d overhear my dad saying on the phone, as 7-year-old me would be rolling around on the floor, mastering my breakdancing moves. I remember […]

Faceplant

Last night I fell in love with an imaginary gay man. For the second time.

But that’s not the most important part of the story. What is, is that in 107-degree weather, I peeled my sweat-soaked thighs off of my couch and rallied to look more like a fancy lady woman rather than a breathing flesh sweat pocket.

Eat Your Feelings

I just learned animals stress eat. I wonder, do they feel guilty the next day too?

Never Buy A Couch While Drinking Tequila

I woke up this morning hungover. Nope. Scratch that. I woke up this morning drunk. And then this happened…

Fighting With Nature

My birthday in a cage under a waterfall…

The Shape Of Things To Come

I am wearing underwear that starts above my knee caps and stops just shy of my nipples. This underwear also doubles as military-grade armor, and I’m pretty sure it would sustain an atomic blast.

Cook Me With Sweet Potatoes

Just when I thought the low point of my week was going to be grabbing my phone out of a public toilet, I log on to OKCupid to find out who my potential mate in both love and life may be, only to be notified I am a 92% match with a marshmallow. I […]